Navigating the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.