Nighttime Comics Take Aim At Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Residency Plan
Television's leading comedians spent their evening mocking former President Donald Trump's just launched visa initiative, called the "Trump card," describing it as a obvious cash-for-residency scheme for the affluent.
Stephen Colbert's Witty Analysis
Starting his show, Stephen Colbert presented a mock Christmas tune targeting the president. "He is compiling a list, reviewing it twice, before handing that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "The President ... destroys all he handles."
The focus was the new initiative that permits overseas nationals to purchase U.S. legal status for the price of a million dollars, or "top-tier" version for five million. A government page promises processing "in record time."
"A quick note for you to wealthy immigrants: prior to you fork over the cash, what about Canada?" Colbert remarked.
He noted that the card is also intended to "extract cash" from companies wanting to hire foreign workers, involving significant costs. "That's a lot of fees, however if you register, you additionally get two free nights at a hotel of your choice – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he said.
"The best screening the U.S. government has ever done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these individuals completely meet the standard to be in America."
"That's important, you gotta prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "Question one: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Commentary
On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."
"This is a card that will permit affluent foreigners to live here," he said. "For a million dollars, you get official visitor status, you get a route to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your choosing."
"Perhaps it's time to update that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your poor masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.
Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the form, noting it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."
"Indeed, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "It's what Jesus constantly said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers on Grocery Issues
Elsewhere, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's plunging approval ratings amid economic concerns. "People gave Donald Trump a second term since they were angry about the economy," he noted.
This week, in a bid to discuss affordability, Trump held a briefing in front of a display of food items, where he behaved peculiarly to some cereal.
"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a ages."
"He is so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"
Meyers wrapped up by mocking conservative news arguments of Trump's economic record. "Maybe rather than complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy like what FIFA did," he remarked.