Those Advice from My Dad Which Saved Me when I became a New Parent

"I think I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of fatherhood.

But the reality rapidly became "completely different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to caring for their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his parent, on a public seat, that led him to understand he needed help.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get some help. In what way can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His story is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. While people is now better used to discussing the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the challenges fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a broader reluctance to communicate between men, who still internalise damaging notions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It's not a sign of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not justified to be asking for help" - especially ahead of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to request a respite - taking a few days overseas, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the language of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The concept of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked consistent male a father figure. Even with having an "incredible" bond with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences caused his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "terrible choices" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as an escape from the hurt.

"You gravitate to behaviours that don't help," he says. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you feel overwhelmed, confide in a trusted person, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the physical health - a good diet, staying active and when you can, resting, all are important in how your mental state is doing.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, and also the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can care for your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the death, having not spoken to him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the feelings constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they faced their pain, transformed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."